Breaking Free: A Survivor’s Call to Women Trapped in Abusive Relationships
Regina Rutherford, 55, recalls a dark period in her life in her younger years, when she was caught in a violent relationship with her ex-husband that has caused her to stand up tall today with an important message to victims of domestic violence: Never give up on a better life!
At age 24, Rutherford recalled being embroiled in a controlling marriage with her ex-husband that was full of jealousy, financial control, isolation, as well as verbal and physical abuse. With October being National Domestic Violence Awareness Month, she wants to share her story of survival as an inspiration to others.
“It was a terrible situation to be in,” Rutherford recalled. “One day, we got into an argument after he came home drinking and we began to argue. After a while, I was doing chores when he got up and went into our bedroom with a 9 mm handgun and chased me around. I was able to get away, went to call 911, but as I was calling the police, the gun went off and I was shot in my left hand.”
Upon arrival, police arrested her ex-husband, and he ended up serving at 2 ½ year prison sentence.
But like many other domestic violence victims, Rutherford ended up together with her ex-husband again when he was released, feeling she could not leave the relationship for financial and other reasons.
After several months of continued abuse, Rutherford finally got the courage to leave the abusive relationship for good, she said, as she finalized a divorce.
Today, Rutherford is a college graduate who enjoys a successful professional career as a project manager in nursing administration.
“I want to encourage women who are or were in a similar situation to know that there’s a way out,” she said. “I remember being so discouraged and so down. I feel I have an opportunity in my life today to be an encouragement for women who are or were in a similar situation. I could have sat down and dwelled on being a victim, saying ‘poor me,’ but I said I’m not going to let him win. I didn’t want my daughters to see that. I wanted to let them know that you can get over these things. You have the ability to be successful and let that be your definition.”
Leslie Fuentes-Nguyen, a licensed marriage and family therapist with Kaiser Permanente Southern California, says Rutherford’s story isn’t unique.
“Common factors among victims include fear of retaliation, financial dependence, lack of social or family support, concern for children, hope that the partner will change, cultural or religious pressures, and the psychological impact of abuse, which can lower self-esteem and create feelings of helplessness,” she explained.
When it comes to some of the root causes, Fuentes-Nguyen noted domestic abuse is not caused by anger alone—it stems from a need for power and control. “Root causes may include learned behaviors from growing up in violent households, societal norms that tolerate or minimize abuse, unresolved trauma, substance misuse and mental health challenges,” she said. “However, the responsibility always lies with the abuser, not the victim.”
Advice for women in abusive relationships
It’s important to remember that abuse is never your fault, said Fuentes-Nguyen, who practices in Los Angeles. If you’re in an abusive relationship, she recommended the following:
Prioritize your safety and trust your instincts.
Reach out to someone you trust (a friend, family member, counselor).
Create a safety plan if leaving isn’t immediately possible.
Know that you deserve respect, safety, and support.
Help is available
There are confidential resources available to domestic violence victims, including:
National Domestic Violence Hotline (1−800−799−7233) – available 24/7 with chat options.
Local shelters, crisis centers, and community organizations offering safe housing, counseling and legal help.
Medical providers and mental health professionals can connect survivors with resources.
Law enforcement and legal services that can assist with restraining orders and safety planning.
For members, Kaiser Permanente has several resources such as individual therapy, depression and anxiety support groups.
Rutherford has some important advice to women who find themselves in abusive relationships.
“You need to find a way to get out and you have to be honest with yourself and that’s really hard because of the shame in acknowledging this,” she said. “You just have to do something about it. You can get out, but you have to take that first step, and you’ll be supported. It’s not easy, but hopefully you’ll get there.
“Don’t give up because you can do it,” she continued. “It’s not going to be easy, but it’s always going to be worth it. Talk to people because you’re not alone. There are many resources and people who can help you. It’s not you who are at fault, and it’s something that can be fixed. It doesn't have to define you and this doesn’t have to be your life story. You don’t have to be a victim forever.”